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Thursday Thirteen!

Posted by Leslie on December 5th, 2007 | 8 Comments

Okay, you may not “get” these if you don’t know much about Hanukkah, but I thought they were hilarious. There is actually a list of 25 that I cut down from. But here is the whole thing if you want to read them all.

{Edition VII}


Thirteen Unorthodox Hanukkah Quiz Questions!

1. Chanukah is known as:
a. The Festival of Lights
b. The Holiday of Rededication
c. The Jewish Christmas
d. The Yiddish Ramadan

2. The Jews of the time of the first Chanukah worshipped:
a. At the Holy Temple in Jerusalem
b. At a less holy temple about ten miles west of Jerusalem
c. Wherever they could get High Holiday tickets
d. All of the above

3. An evil leader abruptly commanded the Jews of his kingdom to:
a. Eat pig
b. Eat at McDonald’s
c. Eat everything on their plates
d. Become idol worshippers
e. Become idle

4. After many long and agonizing battles, the Jews defeated their oppressors. The final score of the war was:
a. Maccabees 9, Syrians 2
b. Maccabees 613, Syrians 0
c. Maccabees 11, Maccabees 1

5. In order to purify the Holy Temple, the Jews had to:
a. Get a good cleaning person who would do floors
b. Get a good cleaning person who would do walls and windows too (now that’s a miracle!)
c. Get rid of the chazar-fleisch
d. Get some oil

6. The oil the Maccabees found was sufficient for only:
a. One day
b. Seven days
c. Seven days in Israel, eight in the Diaspora (go figure)

7. But there was a great miracle, as the oil used for resanctifying the Temple ended up lasting:
a. Until it needed an oil change
b. Twelve days
c. Twelve days, but for you, eight days

8. One of the great coincidences of history is that:
a. Chanukah begins on the 25th day of the Hebrew month Kislev
b. Christmas takes place on the 25th day of the Julian month of December
c. Chanukah and charoset (from Passover) both start with “ch”

9. Among the Talmudic rulings on this holiday is that:
a. The lamp must be lit at sunset
b. The lamp should be placed outside the entrance of one’s house
c. The lamp should be set on a window nearest the street
d. Your fire insurance should be paid up every year by the beginning of Kislev
e. Chanukah used to be the day before Tu B’Shvat but the rabbis moved it to avoid forest fires

10. Because Chanukah is considered such a joyous holiday, Jews are:
a. Forbidden to eulogize the dead
b. Forbidden to fast
c. Forbidden to cover their neighbor’s Christmas lights, especially since the concept was stolen from the holiday of Chanukah, anyway

11. According to the Encyclopedia Judaica, there were many communities in the Middle Ages where Jewish women were forbidden to work while the Chanukah lights were burning. This reportedly led many rabbis of the era to:
a. Move to another community that followed a different custom
b. Push for a one or two day Chanukah
c. Use far less oil in their lamps
d. Use much shorter candles

12. A long-accepted tradition of Jews around the world is for the parents to give their children:
a. Chanukah gelt (money), over the eight days of the holiday
b. Jewish guilt (often over money), over the twelve months until the next Chanukah

13. On the holiday of Chanukah, millions of Jews all over the world:
a. Spin the dreidel
b. Hang the mistletoe
c. Stuff the stocking
d. Decorate the tree
e. We really have to do something about assimilation (which was what the Maccabean revolt was all about)


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

Holiday Joke!

Posted by Leslie on December 5th, 2007 | 1 Comment

hanukkahsmilieContinuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”